Doc, Can You Help? is a unique service to the secular humanist community. A secular advice column, authored by Dr. Vincent Parr, it deals with all aspects of human problems ranging from disappointment to stress and suffering.
There are, however, basically two types of wisdom; wisdom that comes from words and concepts that are essentially left brain processes; and wisdom that comes from right brain processes, i.e., without words and concepts. Dr. Parr will use both of these areas to answer your questions and guide you to the dual goal of minimizing your problems and finding true contentment.
Doc will answer as many questions as time permits that are submitted to: dparr11@verizon.net
Dear Doc,
I received a status update from a friend the other day. I believe that she is clinically depressed and lists very classic indicators of such. Her mother passed away recently and my friend was her sole caretaker. I know depression is a normal stage of grief and I have told her so but I am concerned that it is prolonged. The following are her words, any advice?
I haven't been able to get my mind to focus for a very long time now. Since about April, I'd say, I haven't been able to read an article longer than a few paragraphs. Books are out of the question. New movies are as well. Anything that requires more than five minutes of my time and attention is an endeavor for me. everything seems like a chore. The one thing I can do is sit and stare into space for hours. Even facebook doesn't hold my attention longer than it takes me to write a status, or look at funny pics. There's something bothering me, something I cannot figure out but I have no idea what it is. It's been eating at me and all I care to do is sit on the back porch and watch the wind rustle the trees. I no longer have ambition or drive. Jokes aren't funny. I don't care for food except to make the hunger go away. I never want to go anywhere. I'm tired all the time. I don't care to meet new people or half the time hang out with my friends. I do things because I feel like it's what I'm suppose to, but I have no interest in common everyday things like eating, bathing, housework, but I do them as a requirement. What's wrong with me? I just don't care to do anything except drink tea, smoke cigarettes and watch time go by.
Hi,
First, I want to mention that depression is not a normal stage we go through when we loose a loved one, however, intense grief and sadness often are. These are what we call appropriate emotions to the situation. They are still caused by us but given the situation, they are appropriate reactions to our life's realities. Depression, along with anger, anxiety, and guilt are inappropriate reactions to life events. Everyone has them, but the longer they persist, the greater harm they do to our future happiness and well being.
From the paragraph you sent me about your friend, you have indeed diagnosed her condition correctly. She is clinically depressed. The best thing you can do is to encourage her to seek professional help right away and even go with her to her first appointment as support. This is extremely important. The longer she persists in these conditions, the harder it will be for her to recover. She may need medication, especially in the beginning to help her cope with her condition. However, and I cannot state this strongly enough, I also recommend that she see a Rational Emotive or Cognitive Behavioral Therapist with a strong foundation in Mindfulness. If all she gets is medication management, i.e., she goes to her doctor once a month for adjustments in her meds, she will rarely "get" better! She may feel better temporally due to a chemical reaction but she will keep the same cognitive habits (thought processes) that created her depression in the first place. We create our World by the way we think. Until you replace your irrational beliefs with rational beliefs you will never really get better. This requires perseverance and a strong commitment to change. Periodic changes in meds and a lackadaisical attitude toward disputing and letting go of destructive cognitive processes will not bring about the desired results we are looking for -- at best it will only lead to coping with life.
Please do not take the above paragraph as meaning that your friend is in a hopeless situation. Far from it! I have seen many depressed individuals get treatment for their depression and then lead rewarding, fulfilling, and enjoyable lives. I applaud you for your compassion toward your friend.
Thank you for your letter and let me know if I can help you further,
Dr. Parr