Doc, Can You Help? is a unique service to the secular humanist community. A secular advice column, authored by Dr. Vincent Parr, it deals with all aspects of human problems ranging from disappointment to stress and suffering.
There are, however, basically two types of wisdom; wisdom that comes from words and concepts that are essentially left brain processes; and wisdom that comes from right brain processes, i.e., without words and concepts. Dr. Parr will use both of these areas to answer your questions and guide you to the dual goal of minimizing your problems and finding true contentment.
Doc will answer as many questions as time permits that are submitted to: dparr11@verizon.net
Dear Doc,
My wife is telling me that she is leaving me after 26 years of marriage! What a witch! I have worked hard all my life and now she is leaving. What are the marriage vows about? Where is the promise she made -- “until death do us part?” I feel she owes me more than this.
Rejected John
Dear John (literally),
I know that this is one of the saddest times in your life. This often comes as a shock to the partner that is being left. My advise to you is first see if she is willing to go to therapy with you to work on any issues that may be resolved. If not, it is extremely important for you to find a Rational (or Cognitive Behavioral) Therapist for yourself. These are the only therapist I recommend. If you can find a Rational Therapist that also does Zen or Vipassana meditation all the better.
Anger only deepens the wounds and the relationship will continue to deteriorate. Anger comes from demanding that the world and other people be the way you say they “should” be -- not the way that it is or the way they are. As long as you hold this position your anger will only continue to grow in intensity. In the final analysis, anger eats away at the vessel that holds it.
Marriage vows are based on wishes and fantasy that rarely, if ever, are fulfilled. “Until death do us part” is a joke when some 51% of couples end in divorce. The other 49% that stay married can be subdivided into a large segment that live in comfortable misery, i.e, they are really miserable in the situation but they are familiar with it, thus the comfort. Another large percentage live like roommates -- all the passion has left. This is what I call mediocrity. About 10 to 15 % are better than average -- worth staying in the marriage, and only about 2 to 4% are truly happy. The next time you see a couple take their vows remember that only about 19%, at best, (the top 15% + 4% of these last two groups) will weather the storm and be glad they did. Marriage, by and large, has been an abysmal failure as an institution. If your car only started 19% of the time, you would shoot it (not recommended for your mate).
Your happiness, contentment, and well being are at stake. Learning to master your anger and not to take life’s realities personally will help you through this difficult time. Please read my article on Anger at the ISHV web site and let me know how you are doing.
My best to you,
Doc